ARIES (March 21 – April 19): An encounter with a pickpocket during a back lane promenade need not be hindered by an onerous language barrier. You negotiate with the thief to allow you the courtesy of ringing up some costume jewelry you can dispute at a later interval, before sending him and your charge card on their merry way.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): The home court advantage of experiencing food poisoning in your neighborhood is that you can retire to your respective homes and preserve the mystique of “digestive insensibility” longer than on a cruise ship picking out partially digested Gallantine of veal out of each other’s hair.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Be unfaithful at your own peril.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): The typo on the personalized locket procured on a holiday destination acquires a forced whimsicality that must be recited ad nauseam at parties, which could have otherwise been exchanged for the discreet charm of store credit.
LEO (July 23 – August 22): The danger of your infidelity being found out by your partner and resulting in the leveling of your collection of decorative wall outlet covers, pales in comparison to the possibility of a Raffles, the Amateur Cracksman-like diplomatic imbroglio requiring you to cross the English Channel at a moment’s notice.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22): No one wants to cheat with a Virgo.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22): Your “cousin Eloise” who you prattle endless hours on the phone with is more diverting in the art of conversation than Henriette from the Marseille Convention and Visitors Bureau, who cannot decide which Parisien cabaret she enjoyed best.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21): To recover one’s sense of bruised dignity after three hours of “baby talk” is a sight easier than successfully transliterating the sentence “My Liebchen thinks a Fluro pink Latigo leather baby ensemble brings out the colour of my eyes” to the Politie Antwerpen.
SAGITARIUS (November 22 – December 21): It is possible to ignore the question “Why do you only love me in the dark?”, but highly inadvisable to explain to the Tax and Customs Service why you have brought prohibited rocket sprouts to Kraków following a visit to the Tibetan singing bowls.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19): Sneaking out of a transom window is always preferable to having the Paris Fire Brigade dislodge you and the chatelaine of your French accommodations from the Musée des Egouts spillway because you thought your sister-in-law was uncoupling the handle of her imitation Hermès clutch from the entrance turnstiles.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18): Stepping out to grab a “few bags of ice” can result in a deucedly stubborn case of mortification if the journey leads to the back seat of a 1912 Reeves SextoAuto, but there is nothing that will make you lose heart faster than being given unprompted directions to the site of a former Lisboa lazar house on account of a developing case of thrush.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20): The eproctophiliac—who has long decried the facial mask’s ability to dullen the appreciation of various effluvia—will always be taken care of by partners accustomed to their olfactive predilections, and ill-served by an enervating pursuit for Shigella-fighting oral rehydration salts in the Estonian Raeapteek.
Jean Marc Ah-Sen is the author of Grand Menteur, In the Beggarly Style of Imitation, and a participant in the collaborative omnibus novel Disintegration in Four Parts. His forthcoming novel Kilworthy Tanner will be released by Vehicule Press in 2024.
Born in Detroit, Michigan, Jean Wolff studied art at the Center for Creative Studies and the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, graduating with a BFA. Attended Hunter College in New York, where she received her MFA. Group and solo exhibits nationally and internationally and has published works in numerous literary magazines. Currently lives in New York City with her studio in Jersey City, NJ. For complete exhibition list and bibliography please visit artist website at http://www.jeanwolff.com